Paul Simon’s 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover is a classic song with an obvious flaw: the song only really offers 5 ways to leave your lover – an order of magnitude off. We have 45 other suggestions, just in case:
- Run like hell, Mel
- Let yourself go, Mo
- Disintegrate, Nate
- Cyanide pill, Phil
- Find a new pal, Hal
- Be a new you, Hugh
- Riverdance, Lance
- Avian flu, Lou
- Poisonous snake, Jake
- Find out you’re gay, Jay
- Get crushed by a mob, Bob
- Act like a cad, Brad
- Act like a dick, Rick
- Live like a slob, Rob
- Fashion a noose, Bruce
- Hand grenade, Cade
- Get a new face, Chase
- Suicide, Clyde
- Transmogrify, Cy
- Customize your van, Dan
- Dig your own grave, Dave
- Sleep with her mom, Tom
- Marry a boy, Troy
- Paranormal phenomenon, Don
- Play dead, Ed
- “Identical twin,” Finn
- Fall in a gorge, George
- Join the rodeo, Joe
- Sad emoticon, Juan
- Make her puke, Luke
- Let yourself go, Mo
- Get tragically fat, Pat
- Play Nickelback, Mack
- Sleep in the park, Mark
- Take a bad fall, Paul
- Ejector seat, Pete
- Telegram, Sam
- Fake your own death, Seth
- Take the astral plane, Shane
- Throw her stuff on the lawn, Shawn
- Get busted for pot, Scott
- Enjoy your shore leave, Steve
- Hide under the bed, Ted
- Remark on her weight, Tate
- Cut off your head, Fred
Or you could just take up the banjo.
This idea occurred to us on a recent walk, but we weren’t the first to notice: This is My Favorite Song has an awesome list. Reddit also has a list which contains some absolute gems, but then also “I have hepatitis, Linus” and “Move to Scarborough, bro.”