45 Ways

Paul Simon’s 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover is a classic song with an obvious flaw: the song only really offers 5 ways to leave your lover – an order of magnitude off. We have 45 other suggestions, just in case:

  1. Run like hell, Mel
  2. Let yourself go, Mo
  3. Disintegrate, Nate
  4. Cyanide pill, Phil
  5. Find a new pal, Hal
  6. Be a new you, Hugh
  7. Riverdance, Lance
  8. Avian flu, Lou
  9. Poisonous snake, Jake
  10. Find out you’re gay, Jay
  11. Get crushed by a mob, Bob
  12. Act like a cad, Brad
  13. Act like a dick, Rick
  14. Live like a slob, Rob
  15. Fashion a noose, Bruce
  16. Hand grenade, Cade
  17. Get a new face, Chase
  18. Suicide, Clyde
  19. Transmogrify, Cy
  20. Customize your van, Dan
  21. Dig your own grave, Dave
  22. Sleep with her mom, Tom
  23. Marry a boy, Troy
  24. Paranormal phenomenon, Don
  25. Play dead, Ed
  26. “Identical twin,” Finn
  27. Fall in a gorge, George
  28. Join the rodeo, Joe
  29. Sad emoticon, Juan
  30. Make her puke, Luke
  31. Let yourself go, Mo
  32. Get tragically fat, Pat
  33. Play Nickelback, Mack
  34. Sleep in the park, Mark
  35. Take a bad fall, Paul
  36. Ejector seat, Pete
  37. Telegram, Sam
  38. Fake your own death, Seth
  39. Take the astral plane, Shane
  40. Throw her stuff on the lawn, Shawn
  41. Get busted for pot, Scott
  42. Enjoy your shore leave, Steve
  43. Hide under the bed, Ted
  44. Remark on her weight, Tate
  45. Cut off your head, Fred

Or you could just take up the banjo.

This idea occurred to us on a recent walk, but we weren’t the first to notice: This is My Favorite Song has an awesome list. Reddit also has a list which contains some absolute gems, but then also “I have hepatitis, Linus” and “Move to Scarborough, bro.”